youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
