your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so explain again why im purple
no
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
