I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
