I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
FUCK WHALES
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
