she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Im part way to drunk.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
