So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
