What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
