I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
