she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
