Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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