It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
