still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
