my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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