this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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