Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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