people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
