I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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