I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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