it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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