I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
