one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
