I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
