Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
