omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
