Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
