Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
