you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
