he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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