Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
