Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
