Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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