Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
