Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
