FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
