Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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