you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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