Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
