I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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