I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
