Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
