i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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