giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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