I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
