He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize