Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
