The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
