Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
