I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
