I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it's like iHOP with fire
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
