Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
