Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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