Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
