everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
