There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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