he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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