i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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