the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
